Serenity

1. "GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" I have often heard other members of Twelve Step groups refer to life's most divine force with the phrase "a power greater than human power" or simply as "My Higher Power". I sometimes wondered how these unique and somewhat mysterious phrases came to Bill Wilson's mind as he wrote the Big Book of AA. I opened my enormous 1934 Webster's Dictionary to see which words were used by Webster's staff to literally define god.  The principal definition: "God n. a being of more than human attributes and powers"  Hmmm. Interesting. "A being of more than human powers" vs "A Higher Power". There certainly is some similarity between Webster's definition and the trademark phrases used in the Twelve Step groups. It might be pure coincidence; I have no way of knowing. Still, this dictionary definition helped me grasp the Twelve Step definition more clearly. My solution will never come from a human power. Not from myself, family, fellowship, professionals, clergy, sponsors, etc. No power that is human power can help me. Once I got sober, I knew this to be true.  I have used my drawing skills to underscore the point. The "God" drawing includes items reflecting the greatest of human forces, including the diploma (education), the beaker (science), the gavel (justice), the rose (love), the crown (royalty), the pearls (wealth), the drill (industry), the stethoscope (medicine), the football (sports) etc. The drawing also includes seductive temptations found in human affairs including the bullet (violence), the shot glass (alcohol), the pills (drugs), the bra strap (sex), the cigar (tobacco), dice (gambling), etc.  So, the hand which appears in the "God" drawing is not a hand at all. It is an empty space where the clutter of human powers cannot reach. In effect, I have drawn God by not drawing God at all. I have made the drawing to remind myself that when I strive to find Him, I can start by ruling out all human powers in the world. And there, the real search can begin.

1. God

2. "God, GRANT me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" This drawing may confuse you at first. It is not lovely like most "inspiring" artwork is. But please bear with me; you may feel as surprised as I was. I looked up the word "grant" in my 1934 Webster's Dictionary. The word is so familiar that I almost didn't bother. However, its 1934 meaning was not what I expected. I think of the word "grant" as meaning the same thing as "to give". I usually hear it in connection with someone applying for a financial grant and receiving they money they requested. To me, it basically seems like a gift. There are usually strings attached to that type of grant and a certain outcome is often required. But once the grant is—well—granted, the person gets money from the grantor. So until now, "grant" always meant "to give". But the definition was this: "Grant v. to agree or assent to". Giving is not even mentioned. Why would we ask the God of our understanding, to "agree" instead of to "give"? Personally, whenever I recited the Serenity Prayer, I thought I was asking to be GIVEN courage, serenity, and wisdom. My request was the same as saying: "God won't you please, please, please, PLEASE give me those good qualities?" But with the dictionary open in from of me, the that request did not fit.  Begging God to give me qualities that He has never refused to give me suddenly seemed a little absurd. Then more and more and MORE absurd. Did I really believe that God sits idly by until people like me beg for good qualities? Did it seem likely that God would reply, "Well, I'm not so SURE. Do you DESERVE good human qualities?" We cannot know God's motives fully, but that image struck me as being extremely unlikely. OF COURSE our Higher Power wants us to have good qualities! Those financial grants I referred to earlier are not given out literally at random or as favors. For example, grants intended for "Female Farmers" will go only to female farmers. Here in the mundane world, the funding offered by grant-offering institutions can be depleted. But can the Divine "budget" for supplying good human qualities ever run out? I have trouble imagining my Higher Power being selfish or stingy when faced with such unselfish requests. Is there any voice in Heaven bellowing, "We are receiving far too many earthly requests for courage, serenity, and wisdom. Cut off the supply immediately!!!" Only the voice of inner fear would conceive a selfish God like that. My fear often disguises itself as an unquestionable authority or indisputable assumption. To confront my fear, I began drawing what my fear would have me believe. I envisioned a cruel-looking and intimidating barrier between me and Serenity. The barrier is tall and bristling with spikes, wires, chains, and nails. I could never penetrate it or scale it. If God is cruel, then He would be sneering and taunting: "See how beautiful Serenity looks? Well I'm certainly not going to let YOU have it. I'm going to give it to someone else, not YOU!" Is that God? Or is that odd? I had to admit that it was my fear—not my Higher Power—which denied me access to courage, serenity, and wisdom. I have come to believe that my Higher Power has already imbued me with those qualities. He doesn't really "give" them to me today, they became my birthright long ago. The key to unlocking this "Grant" drawing is sitting out in plain sight. A glance to the right and the left of the barrier shows the fence is very narrow. As long as I remain frozen by my fear, I will face nightmarish blockages which are entirely inside my own mind. If I move away from the spot that fear has lured me into, I realize that God has already granted me everything I need in the Serenity Prayer—long before I ask. The next time I prayed the Serenity Prayer, I didn't feel I was pleading for a handout. Rather, I felt I was saying "thank you" for receiving what my Higher Power had already agreed to long ago. — Amen to that •••••••••••• TRIVIA: If parts of this fence vaguely remind you of a concentration camp fence, that is on purpose. I wanted this fence to look horrible and that's the most horrible type of fence I know of. Does my desire to show something scary confuse you? To be honest, this drawing confuses most people and I understand why. It is showing us the world as Fear would have us see it. Fear wants us to view the world this way: "One way or the other, I will always be denied the good life that I yearn for." And who can argue with Fear? It is high and wide and deep and terrifying. In a moment of real panic, Fear blocks out everything else and completely fills up our entire view of the world. Like that fence in my drawing, my Fear is scary as hell. Fortunately fear is not my Higher Power. I don't have to believe it and trust it and follow it. I can take a step back from it at any time, and ask my real Higher Power to show me what He sees. When I do that, fear shrinks a little at first. Then I notice there is hopeful information that my fear forgot to mention. And fear shrinks a bit more. And soon, I notice I am not surrounded by a fence of fear anymore. In fact, fear usually shows me only a small piece of the whole picture. I can choose to stay "trapped" behind that small fence OR I often can choose to go a different way. Like around it. Away from it. Find another path that is free from fear. Oh it looks huge and awful, alright. But the only way that fear can replace my Higher Power is if I let it. I ask God to grant me the courage and serenity not to let that happen today.

2. Grant

3. "God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change" The words of the Serenity Prayer seem as if they were created specifically for use on sentimental screen savers, inspirational posters, and syrupy greeting cards. They often hover majestically against a background of scenic sunsets, ocean shores, and mountain streams. The prayer sometimes comes close to sounding like a cliché. But the hope it offers is deadly serious to those who yearn to experience a day of sober serenity. In 1934, Webster's Dictionary offered this definition: "Serenity n. The quality of being bright, clear, and calm". As an artist who wishes to offer an original perspective, I wasn't pleased when my prayer and meditation on the word "Serenity" produced YET ANOTHER pastoral drawing. All of the other drawings in my Serenity Prayer series had been slightly surprising, unconventional, and even mysterious. Still, I remained committed to making the drawings that my Higher Power inspired, whether I understood them or not. It wasn't until the Serenity illustration was finished that the real point of the illustration became clear to me. In the drawing, a tree is perched on the shore of a river. The surface of that river is broken up by very common-looking waves. But in the area closest to the tree, the water appears very still and smooth. That's not entirely unusual. Who hasn't seen exactly that type of becalmed water in the midst of light waves? Then a memory came back to me. My high school physics teacher taught that when a wave travels, it will not stop until it is stopped by another force. We may think of waves as tapering down as they travel, but that's not entirely accurate. The reason they appear to lose size is because their force becomes spread out around an increasingly expanding circle. Waves cannot stop abruptly in mid-water. Still, haven't we have all seen such patches of mirror-smooth water amid rippling waters? I am confident that science can explain it—I am sure of that. But I still marvel at whenever I see that effect on real water.  I now know I can turn my inward gaze toward flat water when confronted by a world of choppy, honking, distracting noise. I no longer ask my Higher Power to stop the world around me. I can ask for help being bright, clear, and calm whenever I choose to.

3. Serenity

Twelve Illustrations of words from the Serenity Prayer

4. Accept

5. As I looked up Serenity Prayer words in my old Webster's dictionary, I continued to be surprised. For example, I had been using the word "thing" since an early age but never gave it a second thought. I might ask my mother, "Where is that thing that spins around when you blow on it?" She knew exactly what I meant. Everyone seemed to know what "thing" meant without ever hearing a definition. The word felt thoroughly modern to me, and I even suspected it was some sort of slang. I could not have been more wrong. The definition: "Thing n. a matter of concern". The word "thing" was used back in c.1600 to indicate matters a legislative speaker could not name at the moment. For example, if someone handed the speaker a piece of paper with writing on it, it was his job to determine whether it was a law, a bill, an amendment, a proposal, an objection, or some other matter. If it was something trivial (i.e., a lunch invitation), he would never bring it before the legislature. However, if it were potentially important (i.e., a written request that an official matter be looked into), the speaker would call that document a "thing". Later on, it might would be categorized more specifically, but for the moment it would merely be a matter for concern—a "thing". In my own recovery, I remember many times when something caught my attention but had no certain meaning. When I missed an important meeting and had no legitimate excuse, was that serious or just a trivial slip? When I missed buying a birthday gift for my child because my obsessions were distracting me, did that really matter or should I shrug it off? When I chose to pursue the company of strangers and neglect my wife, was that trivial or grave? At that time, I could not distinguish the minor from the major. The Big Book defines our insanity as "a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight" (p. 37) I believe that means we cannot distinguish the minor from the major. Just like me, the alcoholic may not accurately see the difference between spending their paycheck on their family versus spending it on liquor. I compare this person to a legislative speaker who has lost the ability to distinguish one type of bill from another. THE ILLUSTRATION My drawing for the word "thing" includes a huge brick arch. After a moment, it becomes clear to the viewer that a brick is  suspended in mid-air and appears to have fallen from the arch. Nothing about the scene is necessarily alarming at first. But there is something mysterious afoot. What is the meaning or origin of that lone brick? Did someone idly drop an unimportant brick from above, just to watch it splash harmlessly into the water? Or did a very crucial brick come loose and fall on its own? If it is just one brick breaking loose from the bridge, is that a trivial matter? Or is that dire a warning sign of a very, very serious problem with the entire bridge?  The drawing captures a moment when we see something but we are just not sure what it means. We cannot yet put it into it's correct proportion (see definition of insanity again on page 37 of the Big Book). The matter has our attention, but we do not yet know what category to put it in—so we are just like that speaker of the legislature in c. 1600. In the Serenity Prayer, I ask for the "courage to change the THINGS I can", etc. By using that word, I am admitting that I cannot know what my Higher Power knows. I cannot distinguish those uncertain "things" the way He can. Instead of "faking it until I make it", I must honestly admit when I am ignorant and do not understand my situation fully. This admission invites my Higher Power to help me sort out the many matters of concern that may arise today. As things are placed into their correct proportion, I find that my addictive "insanity" diminishes and I can live free again. One thing at a time. One day at a time.

5. Thing

6. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I CAN not change" I did not begin the Serenity Drawings with the goal of creating Twelve Drawings. I didn't see very many substantial words in the very beautiful but very brief Serenity Prayer. While words like "God" and "Courage" were captivating, there was nothing remarkable about words like "the" or "to" or "can" or "not". I honestly wondered if such tiny words would be included in the dictionary. I own a 1934 Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, so I dutifully flipped the crinkling pages open to the word "can". "Can v. to know how to." That was not at all what I expected. I thought the word might mean "TO BE ABLE TO". I myself had used the word that way all my life: •  CAN you open this jar? "Yes, I am able to open it." •  CAN I get to China on this road? "No, I am not able to reach China on this particular road." •  CAN you touch your nose with your elbow? "No, I am not able to do that." These examples were all asking "Are you able to?" That seemed to prove my point. I wondered if there was some sort of mixup at Webster's. My definition couldn't be wrong—could it? Then I realized there was something about the Serenity Prayer that always made me uneasy. Whenever I prayed about what I am able vs. unable to do, I became painfully aware that I did not know the diffference—even after praying for wisdom. My recovery had taught me not to close the door on new possibilities. I left room for my Higher Power to weigh in. Soon, I had a very powerful insight. All my life, I had used the word "can" two ways; both as "able to" and "to know how". It sounded something like this: •  CAN you speak Swahili? "No, I have never known how to speak Swahili." •  CAN you name all of the state capitals? "No. I used to know how but I have forgotten." •  CAN you help me work the Twelve Steps? "Yes, I know how and would be glad to help you." In these cases, I was asking "Do you know how?" The point of my 1934 Dictionary experiment was to discover whether the definitions might shed new light on the 1934 Serenity Prayer. So, I recited the same prayer through my mind, but this time I substituted the 1934 definition where the word "can" appears. It sounded like this: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO change." I came to a sudden halt. I reread the opening line, substituting the definition again. I fell silent for a long moment. This did not sound like the same prayer I had prayed thousands of times. There was a difference. Maybe a big difference. Am I praying "Help me when I am unable" or "Help me when I don't know how"? The 1934 Dictionary suggests I should seek help when I don't KNOW how to do something. I considered seeking other definitions in the dictionary. Even Joe & Charlie (of the Big Book Study) admit to cherry-picking dictionary definitions sometimes. But the Big Book says part of my insanity (in the Twelve Step sense), includes my "inability to think straight". I decided on that basis to avoid temptation. I stayed with the #1 definition.  The 1934 dictionary definition gave me the wisdom I had been missing. I can easily distinguish between something that I know how to change and something I don't. So this new definition shifted the request from God to me. I was now asking myself whether I really KNEW HOW to handle what I was faced with.  •  CAN I get a job as good as the one I lost? "I hope so, but to be honest, I don't really KNOW how in this economy." •  CAN I wake up every day to a world of uncertainty? "I do KNOW how to do that. I've done it all my life." •  CAN I face my loved one's grave illness? "I don't want to, but I KNOW I can with the help of my Higher Power." These questions no longer mystify me. I can answer whether I KNOW HOW or not. Very, very often, I do not know how. But that's my point. Instead of the Serenity Prayer offering question marks, I now sense that it offers firm answers. If I don't know HOW to do something, then my prayer is for Serenity. If I DO know how, then my prayer is for Courage. And if I am literally stumped and can't tell what I know....... well, I surely need to pray for Wisdom. With that definition in mind, I began considering how to illustrate this small but important word "Can". The drawing poses a simple question about two pipe valves: "Can you operate both of these valves?" Prior to reading the dictionary, I would have answered, "Yes, my hands work fine, so I am ABLE to operate both types of valves." But when using the 1934 definition, I would answer, "No, I do NOT know how to operate the complicated valve on the left. However, I DO know how to operate the simple valve on the right." For me, the "KNOW HOW" answer is more definite and therefore more serenity-inducing. This knowledge has shifted what I get from the Serenity Prayer today. I now see my situation more clearly and that helps me see how my Higher Power might be needed most. I am not suggesting that you change your own understanding of the Serenity Prayer. But I would be negligent if I did not share how a 1934 Webster's Dictionary has changed it for me.

6. Can

7. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can NOT change" I have to confess something. I stole this illustration. From myself. I had looked up the word "unmanageable" in the 1934 Webster's Dictionary in the first days after buying it. I won't go into it now, but the definition for "Unmanageable" fit this drawing perfectly. But then came the moment when I needed to illustrate the word "Not" for the Serenity prayer. The definition: "Not adv. makes negative a word or group of words" Not exactly heart-pounding prose, but I used prayer and meditation to seek a new illustration. In this case, nothing new came. That puzzled me. I kept trying but had no results. Finally, I recognized that I already had the right drawing in "unmanageable". But the word "unmanageable" belongs to the Twelve Steps, not to the Serenity Prayer. Still, it did the drawing perfectly. With some initial reluctance, I retitled the equine drawings with the "Not" definition.  Whoever this rider is, they managed to guide their mount over several fences. Only at the very end did the results change for the worse. This made negative the words: "I can always manage my horse." The definition fit and so I kept it.

7. Not

8. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not CHANGE" The word "Change" seemed simple enough. It described one thing becoming another, like a chrysalis becoming a butterfly. Plus, it described switching one thing for another, like changing a light bulb. The 1934 Webster's Dictionary definition confirmed all of this. The definition: "Change v. to alter by substituting something for" Fine; that definition was settled. So what about the drawing? The Serenity Prayer has been a favorite of many Twelve Step members for decades. And the word "Change" figures among its most important concepts. So, what change are we praying for here? Nature automatically changes a chrysalis into a butterfly; so we are not praying for that power. We replace light bulbs all the time; so we are not asking for that power either. This was a very different change, but what kind? For inspiration, I prayed and meditated, just as I did before starting all my drawings. I cannot recall how this this particularly elaborate scene unfolded in my mind. I think the candle came first. The magnifying glass next. The scattering of spent matches, then the light streaming into the room. I don't think I altered a single detail between the rough sketch and the final drawing.  When I was finished, I felt choked by with emotions. I had come to realize that such a welling up of emotion was a sign that I had been true to my original inspiration. Mine were not tears of sadness, but of a kind of relief and joy. The matches described the futility of my self-will. While gazing at those curled and charred matches, I thought of every time I had tried to "do better" for my kids or my wife—but utterly failed. I did not like who I had become, yet I couldn't stop. I could identify with the futility of trying the same solution again and again, only to come up short.  I liked the magnifying glass for several reasons. It suggested that the failing person had radically rethought their situation (or simply become completely desperate like me!). More importantly, it became clear that the solution was not found IN the room; the most obvious solution simply did not work. The magnifying glass was crucial, but it depended on sunlight entering from OUTSIDE the room to be effective. The dictionary described "changing by substituting something for". That resonated with the many places in recovery literature that urge us to change from self-will to the will of a Higher Power. Perhaps it sounds silly to look at an old dictionary to gain insight into recovery-related words. Although this prayer was not written with Twelve Step recovery in mind, the words and their meanings were embraced at once in Twelve Step circles and have been recited daily at meetings ever since. Anyone who has found some Serenity through the Twelve Steps knows that the idea presented in my  drawing is not remarkable. It embodies our need for a Higher Power OUTSIDE ourselves to change our selves. Maybe that sounds cliché. But when you have been rescued from dark enough realms, gratitude beats the daylights out of originality.

8. Change

9. "The COURAGE to change the things I can" In making this drawing, I may have made an error. "Courage" was one of the first words I looked up in the 1934 Webster's dictionary. I suppose I was curious to learn how any dictionary would define that familiar word, so I went looking for it among the crinkled old pages. The definition: "Courage n. the heart as the seat of intelligence, or feeling" Say what? If you've read my other comments, you've heard me say I was surprised by certain definitions. This one was by far the most unexpected. Where, for instance, was the reference to BRAVERY? Where was the steadiness of nerve when confronting great danger? What did the HEART have to do with anything? I say this drawing may have been an error because there is something I didn't initially notice about this definition. This definition is labeled as "archaic", which is Webster's way of saying it is outdated—people don't use it that way anymore. The word hasn't been used this way since Shakespeare's time.  Trouble is, I didn't notice the "archaic" label until after the drawing was complete. What was the drawing? It was a mom standing outside of a burning house in her nightgown. Inside a flaming upstairs window is a nursery and crib. Just out of view, a group of people are lunging to catch her as she starts to run back into the house. One hand is a fireman, trained never to let people return to a burning structure. Another hand is a woman, perhaps a neighbor, who is desperately clutching at the woman's hair to stop her. The third hand is that of a child, probably the woman's own, trying to keep her mother closeby. The woman is clearly going inside, regardless of the well-meaning hands. She has already broken the grasp of the fireman. She is yanking her own hair out of the neighbor's grasp. She has become blind to the presence of her already-rescued child and is turning with determination to go after the remaining one upstairs. This image is emotionally wrenching to me. Sure, the image is dramatic; perhaps melodrama. But I personally know many ordinary people who lack common BRAVERY in the face of physical DANGER who would react in the same way as this woman. It's not a warrior's great bravery that compels this woman; it is her love. It's not danger that she is focussing on; it her infant's immense need she is drawn by. She has not made a mental calculation about her odds of succeeding. Instead, her heart has become the seat (or the foundation) or her intelligence. She is not thinking with her mind alone; she is giving total authority to her heart. Under everyday circumstances, this woman might be a very timid person. She might never disobey a fireman. She might meekly follow her neighbor's advice. She might put her older child's needs ahead of her own. But with the rising of her courage, she makes decisions from only one place; her loving heart. This drawing is a portrait of that type of inwardly igniting courage, and I needed that same courage to walk away from the grave that addiction was beckoning me towards.  I myself don't have the courage necessary to confront danger or evil alone. I can't, but He can. I considered switching my drawing to a more modern definition of courage. But instead I left the illustration and definition as-is. I saw no reason to change the words which held so much truth about my own experience. My courage did not come from fierceness or numbness. My courage came from the Divine flame that I suspect flickers inside every heart. I hope Shakespeare himself would approve of my definition of "courage", even if my modern counterparts protested. My sponsor always says, "Will" is the most important ingredient in recovery. I would like to believe that perhaps that can be extended to include Will Shakespeare. ; )

9. Courage

10. "And the WISDOM to know the difference" The definition: "Wisdom n. the quality of judging soundly concerning what is true or false" This drawing is difficult to describe in terms of the Serenity Prayer alone. In the Twelve Steps of recovery, the insanity which all addicts and alcoholics suffer can be traced to "a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight." I wonder how many people in recovery have read that phrase countless times without pondering what it literally means.  A "lack of proportion" (as I understand it) means confusion over the size of things. For example, when two cars collide, the two drivers may view the damage very differently. One might examine a small scratch and declare, "My perfect car is RUINED forever!" The other driver might yank off their crushed bumper, throw the broken windshield in their back seat, thump on the hood confidently, and declare, "Mine's not so bad; I bet I can still push it home!" The two drivers cannot agree about the true proportion of the damage. What most non-addicts cannot understand is that both of these attitudes can co-exist inside the same head for decades. The "inability to think straight" is equally puzzling. When I receive a paycheck on Friday, I could take it straight to the bank and deposit it. That's straight thinking. My insanity would have me believe that if I bought lottery tickets until the money ran out, I'd certain win something. Armed with those winnings, I could buy a car and maybe a motorcycle. When I pull in the driveway, my wife will be so thrilled by our new-found wealth that her parents will admit that they were wrong about me being an irresponsible fool. When my insanity reigns, I lose my ability to think straight. Knowing these two aspects of insanity from the Twelve Step program colored my interpretation of the word "Wisdom" in the Serenity Prayer. The definition speaks of the true and the false. This was exactly where my sanity slipped the most. As I began the new drawing for "Wisdom", I wondered what that moment would look like when my perfectly sensible mind turned from sane to insane. I thought about the tremendous effort that duck decoy makers put into creating lifelike imitations of the real thing. In the next instant, I found myself sketching the moment when such a craftsman might suddenly lose their sanity. The change would not be instantly noticeable. They would use the same tools and make the same motions. Except this time they would have confused the real duck and the wooden decoy. In that instant, they stop doing what they intended and begin doing something very destructive. Duck decoy makers will chuckle at my inaccuracies. But the truth remains the truth. How many times did I suddenly confuse my property with someone else's? Did I treat my employer's time as if it were my own? Did I covet another's wife as if she should be mine? The insanity piled higher and higher. But what's hard for most people to believe is that I didn't realize the switch between true and false had occurred. I had elaborate excuses, explanations, and rationalizations for these lapses into unreality. I have returned to sanity, thanks to a Power higher than human power. And while medical insanity does not come and go easily, mine still does. If I do not follow the program of recovery, I can look down and realize my hands are no longer servants of the pure and simple truth. Just like the hands in the drawing. ••••••••••• TRIVIA: Did you notice that the ruler hanging on the wall is wavy and there are zeroes where some inch markings should be? That's because page 37 in the Big Book includes a remarkable definition of "insanity". Bill W made it clear he was referring only to alcoholic—and probably addictive—insanity when he wrote: "Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?" The ruler in my drawing cannot be used to measure sizes correctly (lack of proportion) nor can it be used to draw a straight line (inability to think straight).

10. Wisdom

11. "And the wisdom to KNOW the difference." As I have mentioned repeatedly here, the words of the Serenity Prayer were familiar and simple ones. I instinctively knew (or thought I knew) what each word meant. I prayed the prayer thousands of times, perfectly content that I understood what I was saying. But the 1934 Webster's Dictionary changed all of that. Definition: "Know v. to perceive directly" If I thought this short word had a simple definition, I had guessed wrong. I thought of "knowledge" as information which I keep inside my head and retrieve when I need it. Thus, to "know" something meant to already have it in my mind. For example, in fifth grade, I was expected to know the capitals of all the states—which meant I had to memorize them. The dictionary that was printed the same year as the Serenity prayer provoked me. It said "to know" meant "to perceive directly." In the context of the prayer, I am asking God to help me perceive the difference between things which I... 1) can change and 2) cannot change. The old dictionary suggested to me that the facts inside my head won't help me. I would even go farther and say that I cannot memorize the various things I can change and cannot change. Life is simply too complex and its situations too variable for me to lazily rely on my old definition of knowing. The drawing for the word "Know" came seemingly out of nowhere. I had sketched an old man tuning a piano shortly before reading the definition. Something about that wizened old figure spoke to years and years and years of experience at piano tuning. Yet when confronted with TODAY's piano, he had to intensely focus all of his perceptive powers in order to put it into tune. In theory, the tuning fork tells him the correct pitch, yet an inexperience person could struggle for hours, trying to make the piano match that perfect tone. Having seen a few people, tune pianos, I know they go into an almost trance-like state. They carry the same tuning fork to each job, but must confront hundreds of variations and nuances that make every piano unique. The tuner cannot walk up to an unfamiliar piano and KNOW that piano inside their head immediately. They must instead delve into the instrument until they PERCEIVE what makes it unique. Only then can they begin the work of tuning it. What makes this definition unique is its warning not to automatically apply old solutions to new situations. In many ways, that was my problem before recovery—I was reacting in a knee-jerk way rather than thinking and feeling about each unique situation. When I say the Serenity Prayer now, my wish is for my Higher Power to make my mind supple, not rigid. And to allow me to perceive rather than prejudge. Just by saying the prayer, I can feel a quietness descend which leaves me ready to receive new knowledge.

11. Know

12. "And the wisdom to know the DIFFERENCE." The definition: "Difference n. the quality of being partly or totally unlike in nature, form, or quality" In this instance, the imagery became my central focus, since the text held no surprises for me. I carefully crafted an illustration that you cannot see here. It consisted of a majestic mountain on the distant horizon and, in the foreground, a small hill. In fact it was a molehill. The kind that moles live under. It was a literal interpretation of "Making a mountain out of a molehill" <groan>. It would make sense if you saw it because the mountain (looking rather small in the distance)  and the molehill (looking quite large in the near foreground) actually bore a remarkable resemblance to each other. The idea was a perfect fit. The Big Book of AA defines insanity as "a lack of proportion" (p. 37). Simply put, big things seem small and little things seem big. This is particularly true in relationships. Those who suffer this insanity are likely to spend precious paychecks on gambling, drinking, sex, or drugs. This, while the much greater need for the money exists at home with the family. Thus, the opportunity for a "good time" becomes disproportionately large while the enormous needs of the family are dismissed as trivial. The mountain and molehill was a perfect idea. But it was not a perfect picture. Almost no one who saw it made a connection between the visual image and the word "molehill". All of my drawings are inspired by prayer and meditation. I wasn't about to reject it because of the reactions of a few.  When I had finished all twelve drawings, I set them aside because I had no particular plans for them. When I would pass by and leaf through them, the "Difference" drawing felt flat and uninspired. I had never made a replacement drawing before and was concerned this might start a habit of second-guessing myself. Then I read a book about Nagasaki and the atomic bomb. The imagery worked its way into my mind. I had a relative who was known for behaving badly in restaurants whenever she found anything imperfect about her meal. She would call the waiter over and begin a prolonged episode of scolding and irritated correcting which unintentionally cast a dark cloud over the mood of everyone within earshot. In other words, she would "go nuclear". One thing in my mind led to another...leading to the drawing you see here. To some, the resulting new drawing looks somewhat like a broccoli bunch and a CAULIFLOWER stalk. It is not. The lower image is a rendering of the mushroom cloud from an atomic bomb. In the Nagasaki book and the restaurant ravings of my relative, I had found two disproportionate "equals". Where anyone else saw an overcooked piece of broccoli, my relative saw mass catastrophe on an unimaginable scale. I myself have similar blind spots. I can get fighting mad when someone beats me to a choice parking spot. I sometimes think that watching a rerun on TV is more important than going to a recovery meeting. Plus, I sometimes forget Who got me sober and take credit for that myself. Talk about "a lack of proportion". </groan>

12. Difference